Bleach: Rants of DOOM
by pheonixflamechimera78
Summary: DISCONTINUED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD FANFICTION. The Bleach cast are guests on Meow's talk show to release their feelings! Chapter 2: Ukitake Juushiro! XD Rated T for safeT :D
1. Chojiro Sasakibe

**Meow: Meow is truly sorry for not updating on our Songs of DOOM. Blame it on Mango, the ultimate procrastinator who has to study three times a day for a quiz. Peh.**

**Disclaimer: Pheonixflamechimera78 doesn't own Bleach, Jashin, or the Akatsuki.**

**This is our Rants of DOOM, mostly Meow-operated for the first few chapters, I guess. Until Mango "has time" again, anyway. So, like the summary says, first up is Chojiro Sasakibe, the ever-ignored lieutenant of the First Division!**

Chojiro: …

Meow: …

Chojiro: …

Meow: …SAY SOMETHING, DAMMIT!!!!!!

Chojiro: …I'LL SAY SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT! I'M *BLEEP*ING SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYBODY BOSSING ME AROUND, IGNORING ME, AND MAKING FUN OF ME! JUST CAUSE I *BLEEP*ING APPEAR LESS THAN *BLEEP*ING FILLER CHARACTERS, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I COMMAND ANY LESS RESPECT!

Meow: …yes it does. And also…you just-

Chojiro: WHY IS EVERY *BLEEP*ING PERSON LIKE YOU?! WHY DOES NOBODY LIKE ME? WHY DOES NOBODY RESPECT ME? WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY *BLEEP*ING FANGIRLS?!

Kira: *appears out of nowhere* Fangirls are a curse, I tell you, and I only have about ten.

Meow: IZU-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kira: And unfortunately, that idiot is one of them. And my name is KIRA IZU-

Meow: *glomps Kira* SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IZU-CHAN!!!!!!!

Kira disappears and Meow, looking disappointed, returns to her spot on the couch that all talk show people use.

Chojiro: THAT *BLEEP*ING MORON STOLE MY SHOW BY JUST SHOWING UP! WHY IS THIS WORLD SO UNFAIR?! WHY IS MY RANT SO *BLEEP*ING SHORT?! WHY AM I EVEN ON THIS *BLEEP*ING TALK SHOW THING?!

Meow: Look, Chojiro, you just-

Chojiro: SCREW WHAT I JUST DID! SCREW THIS WHOLE RETARDED STORY-TALK-SHOW-THING! SCREW THIS WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, SCREW THE SOUL SOCIETY, AND SCREW YOU!

Meow: YOU *BLEEP*ING IDIOT, YOU JUST TOTALLY DEMOLISHED THE FOURTH WALL!

Chojiro: SCREW THE FOURTH WALL!!!!!!!! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!! I'M GOING TO CONVERT TO JASHIN, AND JOIN THE AKATSUKI, AND-

Meow: …wrong show, idiot.

Chojiro: …I would release my zanpakuto now, but no one knows what it does.

Meow: Sad, huh?

Chojiro: …screw…you…

Meow: So you don't deny it.

**And that concludes Chojiro Sasakibe's rant. It was short because I barely know anything about him. :D**

**If you agree that he leads a sad and pointless life, please review. If you hate this story, please review. If you want to suggest somebody, please review. If you like this story's concept, please review. If you don't want to review, don't review. Meow doesn't care. But reviews do make her feel nice, and when she feels nice, she writes more. **

**Even if they are like, "omfg dude u suk go lyke totally scrw urslf in lyke some emo corner," Meow would be more concerned about that person's Language Arts grades than the criticism.**

**If you like this kind of stuff, then I suggest you go read our Songs of DOOM if you haven't already. It's pretty good, I think. Better than this, cause Mango actually co-wrote those.**


	2. Ukitake Juushiro

**Meow: Meow is **_**back**_**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot. And I just realized something. Mango doesn't know that I started this yet. **

**So if this a) does not get updated anymore, or b) suddenly is updated once every five years but is funnier, it's either because a) Mango killed Meow, or b) Mango killed Meow AND took over this story/Mango takes it normally and co-writes this one too.**

*****_**italic**_***=thought.**

**Disclaimer: Pheonixflamechimera78 doesn't own Bleach or Google. Insert witty/cool/funny/epic/awesome/pwnage/godlike/something stupid like this comment here.**

**And here, by request of RaitonWolf, is Ukitake Juushiro's Rant of DOOM.**

**Also, on a (sorta) completely irrelevant note, please note that I am absolutely **_**not**_** a yaoi fangirl. Fangirl, yes. Shipper, yes, but **_**never**_** yaoi in Bleach or so far any other manga I read. Please, try to understand. I'm not a homophobe, but I…don't like yaoi. I just think there are better pairings…that are het…in this manga and in others. Unless the people actually **_**are**_** gay. I think that's perfectly fine. That's love, too, after all. Yeah. I'm done now.**

Ukitake: Hi!

Meow: Hi! How are you feeling today, Ukitake-sempai?

Ukitake: Great!

Meow: Well, that might not be so great for our producers, who have a bet going on that you're going to have an attack today during our show!

Ukitake: …really?

Meow: Yup! Really! Now, would you like to tell us how you _really_ feel today, Sempai?

Ukitake: Not so great!

Meow: Why?

Ukitake: Well, I'm tired of everyone thinking that I'm going to die in the next forty eight hours!

Meow: That must be terrible for you! But how do you feel about already being dead in the manga?*

Ukitake: Well, to be quite frank, it…sucks.

Meow: I'll bet it does! Is there any other reason that you feel down today?

Ukitake: Actually, today, Sentaro and Kiyone taught me how to use the Internet.

Meow: Why is that bad?

Ukitake: Well, I thought it might be fun to use this "Google" device to search myself, and I came across this "fanfiction. net" thing.

Meow: *_Oh no._* And what was so bad about this fanfiction. net?

Ukitake: Uh, everyone on it seems to think I'm _gay_.

Meow: Sempai, that's awful!

Ukitake: I know! Isn't it?

Meow: Sempai, I will post this _on_ fanfiction. net to show everybody your rage!

Ukitake: Thank you so much! I feel great! I'm going to tell everyone in Soul Society to go on this show! It's practically therapy!

Meow: Bye, Sempai! Have a nice day!

**Backstage after the show:**

Meow: Pay up, losers! He didn't have an attack!

Producer 1: That's because you didn't make him mad at all, you retarded little butt-kisser!

Meow: Let me rephrase. Pay up, losers! Complain and you're all fired, 'cause that's how Meow does business!

Meow (cont.): And you should be _grateful_, because Ukitake-sempai is going to get us more guests! Now look happy for the readers!

Producers: *force smiles with tears streaming down their cheeks while they hand over wads of cash to Meow*

Meow (with genuine smile): And that's all for today!

*Due to severe damage to the fourth wall in the first chapter, it is currently… ignored. Plans for repair have been rejected due to too much effort (Meow doesn't actually want to think), and seriously, what's the point if it's just going to go down again in the next chapter?

**So, please, if you want to suggest someone, please review. If you hate this story, please review. If you like this story, please review. If you don't have anything to say, don't review, because that just wastes space. XD**

**Also, if you read our Songs of DOOM and want to complain about the nonexistent update rate, please review so Meow can show the complaints to Mango and say, "The public is ANGRY!", something she has wanted to say for a long time for no particular reason.**

**If you think Meow is pathetic for being so pathetic, please review.**


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